As much as I appreciated (and still do) what the Blue Lotus Tara group had to give, I gradually found that I was more interested in talking about how to follow the Eightfold Path than I was interested in other aspects (like repeating long sutras) that seemed to me a lot like the kinds of liturgies I had to repeat or listen to as part of my Roman Catholic upbringing. I didn't want to repeat long sutras unless that was followed by a discussion about why we were reading it, what I should get out of it, how to apply that to my own life. I gradually slipped away from the group, and shortly after moved from the area entirely.
But more and more lately I find myself looking at my life and wondering if this is all there is. I keep asking myself why I'm here, and I don't just mean this city or in this job, though those are really good questions too. And the fact that I'm finding it necessary to ask those questions suggest to me that I'm not on the right road just yet, not on the right path. I've been feeling close to a crisis point over these questions. They are authentic, not just academic or philosophical. More and more I feel I am not living an authentic life, and that knowledge is highly unsettling, discomforting, and lately, quite intolerable.
After months (nay, more like a couple years) of asking myself this, I have been reminded of how deeply Thich Naht Hanh's teachings touched me, and so I looked on my bookshelf, and yes, there it was: The Heart of the Buddha's Teachings. I pulled it out and began re-reading and what can I say? It's like coming home again.
And after re-reading only the four noble truths this weekend, I felt a shift in my world. The lens got a bit clearer, the world a bit more vivid and real, my feet more firmly planted on the ground and my burdens so much lighter. My life is not "fixed" yet, my world is not all that it could or should be. But it's that much closer to working for me for anyone else who ends up getting entangled in it's periphery.
Even I was surprised, though, when I realized part way through the day that I was having moments of contentment and quiet, even happiness. And on a Monday, no less, a day that is always full of meetings and politics and all the usual busy craziness of my work. Something has clicked and shifted in my world. I didn't walk the path fully, but did totter along a trajectory that got close, and I recognized when I was straying off of it a little too far and took notes (literally!) and just kept putting one foot in front of the other. I was able to release some of my habit energy, to let go of some of the stuff I tend to cart around. I'm sure to bump into it all again soon, but hopefully I'll be able to resist the urge to pick it up.
It feels good. It feels like home. And like Dorothy says, there's no place like home. I hope I find a way to stay for awhile. I like it here.
Meanwhile, those questions aren't going to go away, but at least now I'm heading toward a path that will help me investigate them and come up with some answers about what I need to do next to ensure I live an authentic life.